Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

There has been only one Christian. They caught him and crucified him–early.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

I would rather have my ignorance than another man’s knowledge, because I have so much more of it.

Ah, well, I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God’s fool, and all His work must be contemplated with respect.

To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.